Thursday, December 31, 2015

In the blink of an eye

To be very very very honest, I would love to immerse myself in the crowd at Sentosa / Floating Platform / wherever the hype is. But I guess there is value in spending a quiet NYE because this is when you can really reflect :)

In the blink of an eye, 2015 is coming to an end. It has been a really fast year, and a true reflection of "change being the only constant". I started off the year back in NY, except with a slightly different role, then took another job at OV (horrible decision, but it's a learning experience nonetheless). Then I took a short break and did catching up with the overseas bound friends before university started. Then Sem 1 came crashing upon a completely under-prepared me. Like what I've told many friends, it wasn't the academic rigour that took a toll on me, but college life and people / my own emotional issues in general. It was really a test of my faith, But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.                                          2 Corinthians 12:9 
And indeed, His grace and faithfulness never fails to amaze me, even when I'm weak, especially when I'm weak.

And this post is going to degenerate into a listicle because I'm a tad lazy / pressed for time.

What I've Learnt
1. that I have to learn to say no. And by that, I mean being more assertive, having more self-discipline, and having the courage to stand up for whatever I think is right. (i.e. start from saying no to jio-s when I have a pile of unread readings and mid-terms are in a week ahaha)
2. staying happily single. A wise friend once told me that all this talk about "finding your other half" isn't quite about finding a half, but a full actually. Nobody will be a perfect half to complete you - you're always going to find flaws in others. So, in the new year, I shall learn to be a full on my own.
3. make time. for what, you ask. For things that matter to me. For myself. For friends. For family. (This is kinda linked to #1). Start learning to prioritize. Stop wanting everything.
4. being X. Ever since the start of uni, I find myself doubting people and their intentions. This culminated in an ugly incident and (nearly) a friendship lost. So 2016, I am going to start afresh - being an X even in a world full of Ys, being X even with full knowledge that others are Ys.
5. stop procrastinating and finding excuses / being lazy (like right now oops).
6. love more.


A sketchy post because I'm kinda tired.

Goodbye 2015 ~ Hello 2016! :)

Friday, December 18, 2015

Where the sidewalk ends

Suddenly and inexplicably attracted by poems recently. I never really believed that poems should be analysed / judged, which is probably why I didn't enjoy them as much in the past when they were treated as academic texts.
Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
Thinking about globetrotting, exploring God's beautiful creations, and seeing life from different perspectives makes me incredibly happy :) :) :)
A brainless post but a positive one nonetheless~~~ :) :) :)

Wednesday, December 16, 2015


It seems like my brain has also gone on a hiatus during the holidays - I find myself thinking about ... essentially nothing. Decorating my walls has been my most productive moment thus far. I call this productive procrastination ^^ And it's actually rather relaxing too! (perhaps I should consider this as a future career, starting with Cinnamon peeps as my customer base ahaha)


I was just cruelly reminded that I'm turning 20 in approximately one month! I mean, of course I'm aware of that fact but it's still unsettling to think about it. To be honest, I have never really felt very different at those supposed "milestones" - e.g. 16th, 18th. And reasonably so. I mean, it's not like you're gonna find yourself instantaneously more mature once you passed your 16th birthday; these changes develop from daily experiences. So 20th probably won't feel different either.

Nevertheless, I am beginning to feel the weight of adult life slowly creeping upon me - and I feel so unprepared. Apprehensive vs. Excited. Not sure which side I'm inclined towards. People around me are starting to talk about marriage seriously, my Dad says that he'll refuse to pay my phone bills after my graduation (but hahaha I know him better than that~), I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever earn enough to buy a flat / car, or even get hired in the first place. Recently, I've started thinking about what kind of mother I want to be, but that will be a long long time to come~

Unprepared in the sense that 1. I know very well that I'm idealistic - and stubbornly so. In other words, my world is full of colours and fairies (ok maybe not, but you get the drift). This probably won't aid me much in the adult / corporate world where stakes are higher and values / principles are probably less important. 2. I still have no idea what I can do in life! Definitely I have my dreams - I still want to open a cafe, a boutique cafe actually, I still wish to build a school that truly educates - but they all seem so distant and unfeasible right now. These are what I want to do, and they don't seem to coincide with what I can do. And I have no idea what I can do. I can settle with a mundane 9-5 office job but I'm not even sure if I can pull myself through that. Which brings me to 3. I think I still lack the drive and tenacity to wade through adulthood. All these complicated financial issues, messy interpersonal relations, and messier intrapersonal conflicts are ... my goodness.

I'm not worried because I'm sure that my way is paved, but I'm wondering if I will lead a fulfilling life, one that I will look back on with pride. I'll probably chuckle at this post 10 years down the road. Hopefully by then, I'm steering my life well. :)

Good night world~~~

Sunday, December 6, 2015


Joy in a picture :)

I can't express how thankful I am to 1. have organized this and 2. finished it. Thank God :)
An incredibly blessed ending to an insane semester. It's time to reflect and count the blessings that I've forgotten to count this entire month.

愿那赐盼望的 神,因着你们的信,把一切喜乐平安充满你们,使你们靠着圣灵的大能满有盼望。
                                                                                        罗马书 15:13

Sunday, November 22, 2015


"We see people and things not as they are, but as we are." Anthony De Mello 

So, so true.

The semester is coming to an end, and I honest can't wait for it to end. It's not so much that I didn't enjoy this semester - there were some pretty insane and a million other hilarious moments. But it's been too much of a emotional roller-coaster ride.

Then the quote above, and Inside Out both made me realise that all these emotions that I'm feeling are merely what I made of situations and people. Happiness is a choice.
(On a sidenote, Inside Out is a A+++ movie! Totally worth watching, even though it meant staying up a bit more to study oops.)

3 more papers (but WCT submission and PS paper already made me unbelievably happy haha) and it's time to find myself again. I will put up a better fight next semester, it's a promise.

Saturday, November 14, 2015


Would finish this post in a jiffy because I really should grab some sleep. Today was a relatively busy day - went for Barré session in the morning before visiting my grandparents, then I grabbed my stuff at Cinnamon and went off to church for fellowship. Yet, I felt peace that I haven't felt for the entire week.
Image result for peaceful emoji

 This would be the perfect face to describe me now!

But anyway, my point being, there are so many incidents and sharings today that made me reflect upon the idea of loss, that I cannot not pen it down.
The Paris attacks. It was hard to read the updates, and especially the accounts of those involved / with loved ones involved. I cannot imagine why anyone would commit such atrocities. And I cannot imagine the pain that so many people are facing now, I pray that they receive comfort in their own ways.
Visiting my grandparents. Apparently my grandparents said that they haven't seen me for months - which might be true :/ They were so pleasantly surprised to see me, and said that I've grown taller - which I don't think I did, but it just goes to show how long I've yet to meet them. And then seeing that my grandma's memory and health seem to be failing, it made me feel like I've severely under-appreciated my grandparents' existence and love. I can't even understand why I would neglect them for other nonsense that isn't nearly as important.
Barré session. Well, Rachel is really quite something to be starting this organization at the age of 19. That's me right now, yet I'm nowhere as driven / passionate as her. Her candid sharing made me rethink my purpose of joining this organization and my purpose in university on a whole. While she is no longer going to preside over Barré, she doesn't see this as a loss because she knows that she has done what she needs to.

But loss, I find that it's all in the mind. Something is only lost because we think that we've lost it. (This is a very sketchy thought at the moment - and I'm sleepy, sorry) But this feeling of loss is not necessarily a bad thing because it goes to show that this something mattered to us. What's important is what we make of it - meaning, how we face it and what we choose to learn from it. Reflecting on my losses in life - or what I viewed as losses - I think that I've also learnt a fair share from them. OK I think I'll leave this for another day, and it shall be au revoir / bonne nuit after this poem that I've been using the last line from without even knowing (and the full text is even more beautiful!! One of my faves now!):

Max Ehrmann's Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Monday, November 9, 2015

What makes me happy

Re-read one of my older blog posts, and decided to embark on this (with full knowledge that finals are in 2 weeks, and WCT is still unfinished oops. But like what I told JH, there are some things far more important that work, and well, this feels important right now~)

10 Things That Make Me Happy

Not sure if I can finish today, but here goes~ (and in no particular order)

#10 - Talking to old friends. Like how we were talking about first impressions during fellowship yesterday and it dawned upon me that I've known some of these people for nearly half my life, and that we've watched each other grow (': It's a beautiful, beautiful feeling!

#9 - Listening to songs and dancing / singing to them. Not that I can sing or dance, but just random wiggle / headbanging / body waves and shrieks / off-key singing hahaha

#8 - Pretty and cute pictures / quotes. This is why I prefer Instagram over Facebook - I felt that there was too much negativity and angst on FB, whereas Insta is generally filled with happier stuff.

#7 - Playing the piano. Always been my hideout when I'm upset. Currently trying to learn Forbidden Colours (Ryuichi Sakamoto) and MYYY GOODNESS, why does it have to be in such a difficult key.

#6 - Being in-the-moment, or simply put, stoning. Like, sitting by the window ledge (my fave spot in the room!) enjoying the breeze, or being by the seaside listening to the waves. As much as I love hanging out with friends, I think that there's beauty in alone time. And I don't mean alone time mugging, I mean alone alone.

-- Can't think of anymore at the moment, so I shall leave with one of my favourite quotes from Le Petit Prince (which I've yet to read actually). I shall drop by the French bookshop soon ^^ --

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

Au revoir!

#5 - Quiet time. I think more than happiness, it keeps me grounded and at peace, which is so important in a world filled with noise.
                                                                           哥林多前书 6:12
(I just realised that this is such a multilingual post...)

#4 - Traveling. I really enjoy taking the plane and landing at an unknown place, spending time to explore it. Till date, I've enjoyed every overseas trip. 
And, just for fun, I shall list the places that I would love to visit ^^
  1. France - Paris, Marseilles, Lyon, etc.
  2. Taiwan - I can't believe my parents really went there while I was in China )':
  3. China - Tibet, Guilin, Hangzhou, and perhaps Beijing again
  4. UK - Cornwall, Edinburgh, London (again)
  5. Thailand - Chiang Mai, Thailand islands
Ok the list makes me happy already hahaha. Someone find me a job whereby all I need to do is travel please!!! 

#3 - Jogging (at night, because I really don't like the sun). Plus it makes me feel healthier and then I can eat more.

#2 - Eating ^^ Doesn't need to be expensive food but I think that the company / taste / ambiance matters more (in order of importance, yes). But I would love ice cream and chocolate anytime anywhere with anyone <:

#1 - Sleeping after a long, long day.

Goodbye :)

I've decided not to lock this blog up anymore, for no particular reason really, just didn't see the need to lock it anymore.

je suis paumée. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

La tranquilité

Sometimes you just need to unwind and let yourself immerse in the serenity around you.

The comfortable breeze, the cute but noisy couple beside you, the half naked dude playing soccer, the beautiful sky that hints at a thunderstorm, the laughter from afar.
The sea and the sound of ships, the waves that crash in rhythm against the shore, possibly the man who shouted at you incoherently (probably not actually, come to think of it), and the joggers who pass by once in a while.

Indeed, it's been quite a while.

The sea is such a beautiful creation. It's so therapeutic that I could listen to it for hours. :)

Monday, October 26, 2015


Such a tumultuous week.

I've faltered. I've stood up only to fall again. Yet all this while, His grace is enough.
Blessed with so many great people around me, who have been loving me unconditionally. I really don't think that I deserve all these beautiful people, but I'll try my best to love more and worry less.

If there's anything that I've learnt about myself in these few months of college life, it is that I've lost the trust I have in people, in strangers. Somehow I have learnt to build defenses and become wary of people and their intentions. Not too sure if it's a good thing... but personally, I hate being this way. As naive as you may think, I like to think of everyone as kind, and everyone's action as an inevitable of circumstances. May I continue to see the good in everyone :)


To you:

I don't know if you're reading this (and I kinda hope that you aren't, at least not now), know that I'll always be thankful for the memories. I hope that you've picked yourself up because I know that you can and you should. You've great tenacity and big dreams, I'm sure that you'll go far. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But don't ever, ever lose the boy within you; the innocence and love for people and beauty; and - for a lack of a better phrase in English - your 赤子之心, because that's truly precious. Know that I'm always here when you need help, and even when you don't really need help. Friends forever - cliche as it sounds, I mean it :)


Sunday, September 13, 2015

- introspection

Days like this, I wish I cared less and worried less.
I wish I loved more, had more courage and strength.

I think I'm really an ENFP at its best. (Or am I? Since introspection is not infallible.)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

L'argent et le bonheur

It's really hard to stick to my position that money doesn't matter when all around me, money seems to matter. A lot. I guess it's only in this year, when issues pertaining university education start to come into the picture that it dawns upon me just how much money matters. I mean, if I were from a relatively well-off family, I wouldn't even trouble over scholarships or an overseas education. I could make decisions with less financial considerations.

Can money really not buy happiness? Of course it can't buy all kinds of happiness and priceless experiences, but is it completely useless in this aspect?

Still, not that I'm gonna seek wealth in my future career anyway, I know too well that I'm not going to sustain with such a meaningless goal (to me, at least). Nevertheless, it kinda bursts my bubble, and brings me back from my idealistic thinking. Honestly, you can't just go on living life without finding a direction and trying to seek your true passion / purpose. Perhaps it's time to sit down and really think about what you want in life.

Back to work tomorrow - which starts in approximately 2 minutes.

Sunday, May 3, 2015


I'm gonna let pictures do the talking.
Penang was a considerably pleasant trip, and I loved the melange of architectural styles there. The street art was really good and I wished I had more time to explore Georgetown for all the murals!

Food was good too - this is only a very small fraction of what we had. (Workout time, yes I know)

The view exceeded my expectations, especially that from Penang Hill. I could hardly resist the beaches and I might just make a trip further north in Penang solely for the beaches (:

Lastly, it was good family time. I realised how much my parents have aged and it made me reflect a lot on how I have been as a daughter, how we function as a family, and how great His grace has been amidst all these problems in my family. It is a reminder to always, always trust in His plans.

And even though this photo is really unglam, how I wish we could be like this everyday. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015




I know I promised a lighter post, but days have been tough.

Thursday, April 23, 2015


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13

It's high time to reflect: have I been patient and kind? Have I been selfless and forgiving? Have I always protected, always trusted, always hoped, and always persevered?
These verses are all so familiar, yet so hard to live by.

Good night world.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Le Sens De La Vie

If you never figure out le sens de la vie, can you still lead a meaningful life?
I've always wanted to be different, to be myself. Yet somehow I end up being just like anyone else, going through the same system that I've so often criticised.

I speak and write about how everyone should pursue their own dreams - music, arts, literature, photography, anything. But, just as what I learnt this Sunday, when you truly believe in something, you act like you believe it. If you truly believe that a stuntman can carry you across a tightrope safely, you wouldn't mind volunteering for the act. Similarly, if you truly believe that everyone should follow their dreams wholeheartedly, you yourself should do so too.

But I don't.

I dream of building a school in rural areas. I want to teach kids to find purpose in life. I aspire to open a cafe and a social enterprise, to bake for a good cause. I hope to go on frequent mission trips. Yet, the closer I inch towards my career path, the further I seem to walk away from my dreams. It's a mix of worry and helplessness, a mix of personal insecurity and external pressure.

Même dans le ciel qui se voile
Il y a toujours une étoile
Qui scintille et nous guide sur le chemin de nos rêves

On a sidenote, incredibly excited for The Script!!
And I promise my next post won't be this heavy.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

First (3 days) at work

10 things I learnt

1. What a catheter is.
2. Autonomy is not an option but a must.
3. Having a sense of purpose and fulfillment is important to me.
4. The healthcare industry is evidently not my cup of tea.
5. I miss teaching and my classes. On hindsight, it was really a great opportunity.
6. Doing nothing can be exhausting, really.
7. I don't think I have the discipline to survive a 9 to 5 (or 8 to 6 in my case) job.
8. I value meaningful interaction.
9. It is not hard to figure out whether you like a job (or not). And I had better do something I like in university, and after university.
10. And basically, I don't like this job.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Wisdom: the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement

Decided to re-read my old blog - the really ancient one filled with childish angst and emo posts - because this silly boy kept asking me for access to it. Then I decided to blog hop, but came to a realisation that most of my friends' blogs are either locked or deleted. I came to a conclusion that blogs are like this part of everyone's childhood / adolescence that everyone wishes to hide. It's the case for me as well.

I have yet to find meaning in this blog, and I'm starting to wonder if I can ever find one. The reason for my title is that I realised as I grow older, I become more careful with my words. Maybe because I realise the severity and weight that words can carry - after all, some say that "the pen is mightier than the sword". Perhaps I realise that prudence in choice of words can turn situations well in one's favour. Or possibly, simply because I realise that some things could and should be left unspoken and that there's no need to explain oneself excessively. In any case, I believe that there is a certain wisdom in this. Of course there are many instances that this holds true; like how happy-memories-together.blogspot is filled with crude remarks and seemingly ambiguous messages (I confess, it was an attempt to act cool haha. forgive me I was 12.) To be honest, I hate having to be deliberate with my words, but it's something that creeps on you slowly but eventually.

My mind is perpetually going in circles, it can probably be illustrated with a maze that has multiple entries and exits because many thoughts are running through my head at once and each thought is not quite logical.

Time to get back to my essay: "Write about your career aspiration in less than 300 words". A short but challenging essay for me because I have not quite found the courage to set myself an aspiration / goal.

Goodbye (: