Saturday, April 21, 2018


Just one incident and it could get me all trembling. My brain firing all over the place, "what do I do now?" "Is it my fault?" "Is it happening all over again?" "Did nothing get better?" "Is she feeling alright?" "Will she do something stupid?" Questions, doubts, fear, palpitating heart.

Not forgetting the questions that follow after calming down, "Why me? Why this family?" "Why is it happening again?" "Is my entire life going to be defined by this?"


Then I took a deep breath, and things that I've learnt in class start coming back to me. (I'm ever so thankful for having taken this Social Work module)

- "It is not my fault, it is not my fault." If need be, repeat it a few more times till it gets into your head, that everything happening right now is NOT your fault. This darkness, this mess, is not your fault. You couldn't have done anything better to prevent it; nothing.

- "I deserve a hug" Self love is important; be kind to others but also don't forget to be kind to yourself. If you can't even care for yourself, you aren't going to be well enough to care for others.

- "I live my own life" You are not your parent; you don't have to live in their shadow and that constant fear. Breathe, you are doing great.

And of course from my greatest source of strength, the One who doesn't fail, the One who loves from day 1 till eternity

- “He gives and He takes away" The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - you will only become stronger, more resilient, more emphatic, more understanding, and for all of that goodness, be thankful.

Blessed be Your name

Friday, January 26, 2018

New year new me old blogskin!!!

I am so annoyed right now!! Blogger said that I have to "update theme" - something something unsupported - and so I did. And now, take a look at my boring blog!!! Also, the HTML (or is it CSS? What is the difference anyway!!!) code is even more complicated than that when I used an external blogskin... ANNOYED! I will get to learning some basic coding and hopefully handle this disaster that is my ugly blog. (Alternatively, I won't reject help if it's free haha)

In any case, I didn't actually come here to rant. It's just that after a HTHT with HT (hahaha I'm so funny), she reminded me of this blog which I've thrown at the back of my mind throughout my SEP. It was only when I came here to take a quick read a few days back that I realised how... emo I actually sounded for the past few years. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived. Thank God for His comfort and peace when I needed them. So I thought it's good to sort of clear up the air. As I've told many people who asked me "how was SEP?", it was genuinely one of the best five months of my life. Cliche I know, but just hold on a little while I explain. Being abroad for five months allowed me breathing space, a lot of me time to reflect upon life and question some of my deep-rooted fears. Having been in this extremely restrictive, sterile, protected and competitive (I'm talking about myself, not trying to generalise Singaporeans here) environment for so many years, I didn't even realise how much self-defeating thoughts I held, how awfully unhappy I have been. I didn't even realise it myself, but apparently there were hints that HT caught (you my fave <3) So much so that I really didn't want to come back to SG because there are just too many things that weigh me down here. I know it's an escapist mentality but I just couldn't find the courage to return here. BUT, miraculously, I feel so much more refreshed and motivated right now! It's amazing. I feel like for once, I'm starting to live and not merely survive. And truth be told, I haven't felt this way since secondary school. I guess I managed to turn those escapist thoughts into a positive force instead!

So, this year I aim to NOT let fear determine my decisions (tough stuff I know, but I'll make a conscious effort to inspect my thoughts and ensure that it isn't fear leading me - introspection / metacognition?). I also aim to reconnect - with friends, family and myself. Cheers! :)

(not sure when I'll be back blogging again but at least you get this update and know that I'm doing much better than before!)