It seems like my brain has also gone on a hiatus during the holidays - I find myself thinking about ... essentially nothing. Decorating my walls has been my most productive moment thus far. I call this productive procrastination ^^ And it's actually rather relaxing too! (perhaps I should consider this as a future career, starting with Cinnamon peeps as my customer base ahaha)
I was just cruelly reminded that I'm turning 20 in approximately one month! I mean, of course I'm aware of that fact but it's still unsettling to think about it. To be honest, I have never really felt very different at those supposed "milestones" - e.g. 16th, 18th. And reasonably so. I mean, it's not like you're gonna find yourself instantaneously more mature once you passed your 16th birthday; these changes develop from daily experiences. So 20th probably won't feel different either.
Nevertheless, I am beginning to feel the weight of adult life slowly creeping upon me - and I feel so unprepared. Apprehensive vs. Excited. Not sure which side I'm inclined towards. People around me are starting to talk about marriage seriously, my Dad says that he'll refuse to pay my phone bills after my graduation (but hahaha I know him better than that~), I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever earn enough to buy a flat / car, or even get hired in the first place. Recently, I've started thinking about what kind of mother I want to be, but that will be a long long time to come~
Unprepared in the sense that 1. I know very well that I'm idealistic - and stubbornly so. In other words, my world is full of colours and fairies (ok maybe not, but you get the drift). This probably won't aid me much in the adult / corporate world where stakes are higher and values / principles are probably less important. 2. I still have no idea what I can do in life! Definitely I have my dreams - I still want to open a cafe, a boutique cafe actually, I still wish to build a school that truly educates - but they all seem so distant and unfeasible right now. These are what I want to do, and they don't seem to coincide with what I can do. And I have no idea what I can do. I can settle with a mundane 9-5 office job but I'm not even sure if I can pull myself through that. Which brings me to 3. I think I still lack the drive and tenacity to wade through adulthood. All these complicated financial issues, messy interpersonal relations, and messier intrapersonal conflicts are ... my goodness.
I'm not worried because I'm sure that my way is paved, but I'm wondering if I will lead a fulfilling life, one that I will look back on with pride. I'll probably chuckle at this post 10 years down the road. Hopefully by then, I'm steering my life well. :)
Good night world~~~