feeling exceptionally weak these days; really conflicted.
好累。
"go wash up your face, wipe off the dust on your shoulder and carry on the fight"
That's right, press on. Be patient with yourself. Let's go.
--
27 Nov
面目全非。
连自己都不认得自己的时候，该怎么办？
又怎能期望别人了解你？怎能相信别人能帮你？
心里真的犹如打翻五味瓶 - 好辛苦、好辛苦。
不知何时会好。
Find myself turning into the exact person I told myself that I won't become: selfish, emotional, unempathetic, overly sensitive. What went wrong?
Monday, November 21, 2016
Friday, November 11, 2016
a short reflection
Thought it'll be good for a reflection as this semester is soon coming to an end and as I push through the last lap.
I've put in more effort this semester academically, but I can't say this same for my social and extra-curricular life - *note for next semester. I've definitely been more involved in serving at church (thank God) - whether for my group, or for other events. I've taken modules that I didn't even know I could survive in. I have found a greater interest for things happening in the world - just a little more. I begin to enjoy lessons more and find myself questioning what I'm taught. I've started to note down little sparks and lofty ideas that cross my mind instead of letting them pass. I'm more forgetful that I thought myself to be. It's like my brain is restarting the engine that has been down for a long, long time. I'm going for SEP next year. I'll probably (must?) start considering internships too. But not without a lot of prayers because I really don't know what I can and want to do for the world as of now. I've learnt that expectations are a double-edged sword - it's made me so miserable the past few months, but without it, I will always settle for sub-standard work / mediocrity. I actually enjoy family time a bit more nowadays. I have learnt to really empathize - it's not easy. Many times I've let my emotions get the better of me - very uncharacteristic of me, honestly - but I've also learnt not to conceal my emotions all the time. I've cut myself some slack these few days - instead of sinking into another panic attack - and it seems to be working much better. "Be kind to yourself", "be patient with yourself" - never found the need and hence never quite understood it till this semester. I might have have struck a poor balance between social life and alone time this semester so *note for next semester definitely. But it has also shown me who are friends whom I treasure dearly. My relationship with God has its fair share of ups and downs but I know for a fact He's always there - we may fail but He has / does / will not fail us.
Just letting things flow in my mind now and so it's a very unstructured post. With this, it's time to return to QR ^-^
I've put in more effort this semester academically, but I can't say this same for my social and extra-curricular life - *note for next semester. I've definitely been more involved in serving at church (thank God) - whether for my group, or for other events. I've taken modules that I didn't even know I could survive in. I have found a greater interest for things happening in the world - just a little more. I begin to enjoy lessons more and find myself questioning what I'm taught. I've started to note down little sparks and lofty ideas that cross my mind instead of letting them pass. I'm more forgetful that I thought myself to be. It's like my brain is restarting the engine that has been down for a long, long time. I'm going for SEP next year. I'll probably (must?) start considering internships too. But not without a lot of prayers because I really don't know what I can and want to do for the world as of now. I've learnt that expectations are a double-edged sword - it's made me so miserable the past few months, but without it, I will always settle for sub-standard work / mediocrity. I actually enjoy family time a bit more nowadays. I have learnt to really empathize - it's not easy. Many times I've let my emotions get the better of me - very uncharacteristic of me, honestly - but I've also learnt not to conceal my emotions all the time. I've cut myself some slack these few days - instead of sinking into another panic attack - and it seems to be working much better. "Be kind to yourself", "be patient with yourself" - never found the need and hence never quite understood it till this semester. I might have have struck a poor balance between social life and alone time this semester so *note for next semester definitely. But it has also shown me who are friends whom I treasure dearly. My relationship with God has its fair share of ups and downs but I know for a fact He's always there - we may fail but He has / does / will not fail us.
Just letting things flow in my mind now and so it's a very unstructured post. With this, it's time to return to QR ^-^
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
self-possession
I seem to have forgotten the therapeutic effect that Town Green has. Just the breeze, the sky, soft strums of the guitar (thank you random dude), occasional chatters, and the lively scene at Starbucks - it's almost picture perfect.
The past few weeks have been rough, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Not because of anything that happened externally, but it was really a struggle within myself. I have never felt this way before. Anyone who knows me - you don't even need to be a close friend - will know that I'm quite the happy-go-lucky girl. It's not really a facade that I put up; work and academic matters just don't get to me. And before you think that it's because I'm an overachiever, I'm not. I'm not doing incredibly well, probably average, but it just doesn't seem to trouble me.
So the past few weeks, I really hit rock bottom. I was completely unmotivated, I felt so horrible about myself, I felt like a letdown, like I was wasting my time and my parents' hard-earned money being in school. Yet I couldn't find it within me to pull everything back together again. Some days I felt like crying over minute issues, other days I felt nonchalant about everything going on and most days I really just wanted to huddle in bed and stay alone. Yet I felt so guilty feeling like that.
I'm thankful for people who stayed around and accompanied me, but it was also then that I realised this was very much my own struggle to overcome. It was also when I realised that when I tell people "it's all in the head", it might not be as helpful as I thought it to be. I know that it was all in my head, but I just couldn't fix it even though I tried. And trust me I tried so hard - I sat myself down at my desk, at ERC, at CLB, at the lounge, just to focus on my work, but I couldn't. I tried to bring myself to exercise, to pull myself away from my room, but nothing made me feel better. And that simply exacerbated my sense of guilt.
Perhaps I was tired, perhaps I had too much piling on my plate - but these hypotheses didn't stand because I know that I have been in worse scenarios the past semesters and they didn't get to me like how these few weeks did.
Things are improving, I'm started to feel more like myself again, by God's grace. It's been a terrible few weeks, scary to say the least. But through it all, I think I have learnt to better empathize with people and recognize that different people have different struggles, even if it's not something that I personally find difficult to handle. I have understood how one can still feel so lonely, helpless and afraid even when you have encouraging friends around. I'm just glad that I've (somehow) passed this stage and regained strength :)
This is a really lengthy post but I thought it's good for me to pen my thoughts and emotions down.
The past few weeks have been rough, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Not because of anything that happened externally, but it was really a struggle within myself. I have never felt this way before. Anyone who knows me - you don't even need to be a close friend - will know that I'm quite the happy-go-lucky girl. It's not really a facade that I put up; work and academic matters just don't get to me. And before you think that it's because I'm an overachiever, I'm not. I'm not doing incredibly well, probably average, but it just doesn't seem to trouble me.
So the past few weeks, I really hit rock bottom. I was completely unmotivated, I felt so horrible about myself, I felt like a letdown, like I was wasting my time and my parents' hard-earned money being in school. Yet I couldn't find it within me to pull everything back together again. Some days I felt like crying over minute issues, other days I felt nonchalant about everything going on and most days I really just wanted to huddle in bed and stay alone. Yet I felt so guilty feeling like that.
I'm thankful for people who stayed around and accompanied me, but it was also then that I realised this was very much my own struggle to overcome. It was also when I realised that when I tell people "it's all in the head", it might not be as helpful as I thought it to be. I know that it was all in my head, but I just couldn't fix it even though I tried. And trust me I tried so hard - I sat myself down at my desk, at ERC, at CLB, at the lounge, just to focus on my work, but I couldn't. I tried to bring myself to exercise, to pull myself away from my room, but nothing made me feel better. And that simply exacerbated my sense of guilt.
Perhaps I was tired, perhaps I had too much piling on my plate - but these hypotheses didn't stand because I know that I have been in worse scenarios the past semesters and they didn't get to me like how these few weeks did.
Things are improving, I'm started to feel more like myself again, by God's grace. It's been a terrible few weeks, scary to say the least. But through it all, I think I have learnt to better empathize with people and recognize that different people have different struggles, even if it's not something that I personally find difficult to handle. I have understood how one can still feel so lonely, helpless and afraid even when you have encouraging friends around. I'm just glad that I've (somehow) passed this stage and regained strength :)
This is a really lengthy post but I thought it's good for me to pen my thoughts and emotions down.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
It is well
When you ask me "What's wrong?", I can't quite answer you because I don't know what's wrong. (reminds me of CFG!! Emotional literacy is low rn. I think it's high time to figure out what I'm feeling. )
I know that it's a slippery slope and that I'm allowing myself to sink into this emotional black hole, yet I can't pull myself out. (CFG says: Emotional hijack.)
-
One of those days everything suddenly piles on you - work, commitments, family, etc. - and you feel like shouting "stop" and taking a break. At the same time, you feel like you have no right to do so because you 1. have a lot more to do and 2. don't feel like you have done very much - especially compared to others who seem to have so much more on their plate yet seem to cope fine. Then, all sorts of negative emotions start overwhelming you - anxiety, sense of inadequacy, frustration, fear, anger, impatience - and you feel guilty about it because 1. you should be much, much stronger than to let all these matters trouble you for so long, 2. there isn't a very compelling reason for you to be feeling so low (it's not like some disaster struck) and 3. you feel like a burden to others when you aren't your usual self. Then ironically, this guilt makes you feel even worse. And the cycle goes on.
Yes, that's what I'm feeling.
-
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so weak. I feel like I need to quieten myself before Him and remind myself to gain strength from Him. 得力在于平静安稳.
I know that it's a slippery slope and that I'm allowing myself to sink into this emotional black hole, yet I can't pull myself out. (CFG says: Emotional hijack.)
-
One of those days everything suddenly piles on you - work, commitments, family, etc. - and you feel like shouting "stop" and taking a break. At the same time, you feel like you have no right to do so because you 1. have a lot more to do and 2. don't feel like you have done very much - especially compared to others who seem to have so much more on their plate yet seem to cope fine. Then, all sorts of negative emotions start overwhelming you - anxiety, sense of inadequacy, frustration, fear, anger, impatience - and you feel guilty about it because 1. you should be much, much stronger than to let all these matters trouble you for so long, 2. there isn't a very compelling reason for you to be feeling so low (it's not like some disaster struck) and 3. you feel like a burden to others when you aren't your usual self. Then ironically, this guilt makes you feel even worse. And the cycle goes on.
Yes, that's what I'm feeling.
-
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so weak. I feel like I need to quieten myself before Him and remind myself to gain strength from Him. 得力在于平静安稳.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
AY2016/17 Sem 1
Sometimes I don't ask questions because I fear that I'm not ready for the answer. Sometimes I already know the answer but I just can't bear to hear it said out loud. Yet, these questions are like time bombs - threatening to explode anytime.
-
Anyway, I can't believe that it's Year 2!!! (GASPS) It feels like everything and yet nothing has changed. I am (as usual) feeling so unprepared for the new academic year, with commitments starting to roll in and decisions waiting to be made. It's time to make a list / timetable so that I don't over-commit (or under-commit, if there is such a thing).
I really hope that Week 0 is not a foreshadow of the term that is to come because I basically spent everyday rolling around and going out with friends, conveniently putting "study for QR" aside. Also, 8 am lectures await (sobs.)
Here's to a more fulfilling and disciplined Year 2!
-
Anyway, I can't believe that it's Year 2!!! (GASPS) It feels like everything and yet nothing has changed. I am (as usual) feeling so unprepared for the new academic year, with commitments starting to roll in and decisions waiting to be made. It's time to make a list / timetable so that I don't over-commit (or under-commit, if there is such a thing).
I really hope that Week 0 is not a foreshadow of the term that is to come because I basically spent everyday rolling around and going out with friends, conveniently putting "study for QR" aside. Also, 8 am lectures await (sobs.)
Here's to a more fulfilling and disciplined Year 2!
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
je voyage
I initially wanted to type a long post but I couldn't find the words to condense my thoughts into a blog-able material. And so I shall let the photos do the talking ( + take the chance to post photos I might not upload anywhere else haha) and keep my thoughts in my diary~
This trip to France was, I guess, different: I hardly knew people on the trip, and I spent another week with someone I could barely call a friend at first. (Overall a good decision to have a travel buddy though ^^) For the first time, I actually missed home - family, friends, fellowship (and food hehe). No, don't get me wrong - I thoroughly enjoyed the trip and am super thankful that it's a tick off my travel list. I loved walking down the streets, discovering every little detail, watching people, being part of the hype, sitting on the grass with the greatest worry being where my next meal shall be at. I do hope that I always have this privilege to be a carefree traveler. Yet, as always, the escapade made coming back to reality so difficult and I found myself struggling to re-adapt. I'm getting better at it though, and I'm feeling a little less post-vacation blues definitely.
(Trying not to feature myself in the following photos ---)
[Featuring fat Parisian pigeons and the pyramids at Le Louvre]
The architecture and sights were really amazing. I've heard mixed reviews about the Eiffel Tower / L'arc de Triomphe / Louvre etc. but it was great to see them before my eyes :)
Have I mentioned that I loveddddd the flowers in France??? I literally light up whenever I walk past a florist because they have such beautifulll bouquets and bright, fresh flowers!!
[Featuring Chateau de Versailles] This was one of the moments I wished I had a DSLR that could capture the beauty of this place. Despite the really irritating rain that can't make up its mind, thank God that weather was still generally good whenever we went sightseeing. Literally breathtaking being at the Royal Garden. The vastness of sky and greenery; I could spend a peaceful afternoon there.
[Featuring The Wedding at Cana, painting by Paolo Veronese, at Le Louvre] Museums were everywhere and this was the reason why I would ever want to be a student in the EU (free entry!!!) Amazing collection. If you realised, the people in this photo are not looking at the painting, because Mona Lisa was directly opposite this piece. However, I honestly saw nothing exceptional about Mona Lisa hmmm.
[Patisserie at Reims] Quoting Srishti, "You haven't stopped by a cake shop without snapping a photo!" But that's because the pastries are such beauties!!!
[Inside the Notre-Dame Cathedral at Reims] I loved the cathedrals in France and the peaceful atmosphere in every one of them (Dr Brantner would probably say something along the lines of how the space and unspoken rules induce certain kinds of interaction, which is true). Gave up shopping to spend a short 30 minutes in this cathedral and I regretted not going earlier.
There were many more memories - and of course as of every place, not everything is rosy. But I couldn't quite capture the darker, imperfect side of the city and that will therefore only remain in my memory.
Au revoir~ :)
-
Sidenote: This is a rather happy post and reflecting upon the trip does make me contented, but as mentioned, I'm still readjusting to normality and there are so many things that weigh down on me right now. It felt like once I returned, things piled up all of a sudden. Friends, family, my faith, work, camps etc.
This trip to France was, I guess, different: I hardly knew people on the trip, and I spent another week with someone I could barely call a friend at first. (Overall a good decision to have a travel buddy though ^^) For the first time, I actually missed home - family, friends, fellowship (and food hehe). No, don't get me wrong - I thoroughly enjoyed the trip and am super thankful that it's a tick off my travel list. I loved walking down the streets, discovering every little detail, watching people, being part of the hype, sitting on the grass with the greatest worry being where my next meal shall be at. I do hope that I always have this privilege to be a carefree traveler. Yet, as always, the escapade made coming back to reality so difficult and I found myself struggling to re-adapt. I'm getting better at it though, and I'm feeling a little less post-vacation blues definitely.
(Trying not to feature myself in the following photos ---)
The architecture and sights were really amazing. I've heard mixed reviews about the Eiffel Tower / L'arc de Triomphe / Louvre etc. but it was great to see them before my eyes :)
[Featuring me along with many other tourists LOL] I think this pretty up sums up Paris - as an incredibly old city (explains why the apartment I lived in had wooden spiral staircase that wasn't quite friendly for people with huge luggages) but one bursting with life and happenings.
There were many more memories - and of course as of every place, not everything is rosy. But I couldn't quite capture the darker, imperfect side of the city and that will therefore only remain in my memory.
Au revoir~ :)
-
Sidenote: This is a rather happy post and reflecting upon the trip does make me contented, but as mentioned, I'm still readjusting to normality and there are so many things that weigh down on me right now. It felt like once I returned, things piled up all of a sudden. Friends, family, my faith, work, camps etc.
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