tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19134934186894660272024-03-14T17:06:25.752+08:00tingtingUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-8648110768924541822018-04-21T21:49:00.000+08:002018-04-21T21:52:11.720+08:00struggleJust one incident and it could get me all trembling. My brain firing all over the place, "what do I do now?" "Is it my fault?" "Is it happening all over again?" "Did nothing get better?" "Is she feeling alright?" "Will she do something stupid?" Questions, doubts, fear, palpitating heart.<br />
<br />
Not forgetting the questions that follow <i>after</i> calming down, "Why me? Why this family?" "Why is it happening again?" "Is my entire life going to be defined by this?"<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
Then I took a deep breath, and things that I've learnt in class start coming back to me. (I'm ever so thankful for having taken this Social Work module)<br />
<br />
- "It is not my fault, it is not my fault." If need be, repeat it a few more times till it gets into your head, that everything happening right now is NOT your fault. This darkness, this mess, is not your fault. You couldn't have done anything better to prevent it; nothing.<br />
<br />
- "I deserve a hug" Self love is important; be kind to others but also don't forget to be kind to yourself. If you can't even care for yourself, you aren't going to be well enough to care for others.<br />
<br />
- "I live my own<span style="font-family: inherit;"> life" You are not your parent; you don't have to live in their shadow and that constant fear. Breathe, you are d</span>oing great.<br />
<br />
And of course from my greatest source of strength, the One who doesn't fail, the One who loves from day 1 till eternity<br />
<br />
- “He gives<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and He takes away" </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: italic;">The Lord is </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: italic;">close</span><span style="background-color: white;"><i style="font-family: inherit;"> to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - </i><span style="font-family: inherit;">you will only become stronger, more resilient, more </span>emphatic<span style="font-family: inherit;">, more understanding, and for all of that goodness, be thankful.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Blessed be Your name</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-26290407529519345372018-01-26T22:01:00.003+08:002018-01-26T22:01:59.714+08:00New year new me old blogskin!!!I am so annoyed right now!! Blogger said that I have to "update theme" - something something unsupported - and so I did. And now, take a look at my boring blog!!! Also, the HTML (or is it CSS? What is the difference anyway!!!) code is even more complicated than that when I used an external blogskin... ANNOYED! I will get to learning some basic coding and hopefully handle this disaster that is my ugly blog. (Alternatively, I won't reject help if it's free haha)<br />
<br />
In any case, I didn't actually come here to rant. It's just that after a <i>HTHT with HT </i>(hahaha I'm so funny), she reminded me of this blog which I've thrown at the back of my mind throughout my SEP. It was only when I came here to take a quick read a few days back that I realised how... <i>emo </i>I actually sounded for the past few years. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived. Thank God for His comfort and peace when I needed them. So I thought it's good to sort of clear up the air. As I've told many people who asked me "how was SEP?", it was genuinely one of the best five months of my life. Cliche I know, but just hold on a little while I explain. Being abroad for five months allowed me breathing space, a lot of me time to reflect upon life and question some of my deep-rooted fears. Having been in this extremely restrictive, sterile, protected and competitive (I'm talking about myself, not trying to generalise Singaporeans here) environment for so many years, I didn't even realise how much self-defeating thoughts I held, how awfully unhappy I have been. I didn't even realise it myself, but apparently there were hints that HT caught (you my fave <3) So much so that I really didn't want to come back to SG because there are just too many things that weigh me down here. I know it's an escapist mentality but I just couldn't find the courage to return here. BUT, miraculously, I feel so much more refreshed and motivated right now! It's amazing. I feel like for once, I'm starting to <i>live </i>and not merely <i>survive.</i> And truth be told, I haven't felt this way since secondary school. I guess I managed to turn those escapist thoughts into a positive force instead!<br />
<br />
So, this year I aim to NOT let fear determine my decisions (tough stuff I know, but I'll make a conscious effort to inspect my thoughts and ensure that it isn't fear leading me - introspection / metacognition?). I also aim to reconnect - with friends, family and myself. Cheers! :)<br />
<br />
(not sure when I'll be back blogging again but at least you get this update and know that I'm doing much better than before!)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-69011076125159837222017-07-04T23:49:00.004+08:002017-07-04T23:57:41.144+08:00growth / grace<i>"grow the f up"</i><br />
As hurtful as it sounds, it got me thinking.<br />
Growing up.<br />
What does that entail? So that "we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves"<br />
What's stopping me? I think everyone has different weaknesses and difficulties, which also means finding different means to remove any obstacle stopping you.<br />
What is the solution? I can't say for sure for everyone but I know that I am taking steps to solving it. Mini steps, one at a time; crawling, climbing; surely I'll make it there.<br />
<br />
Not really sure if this blog is serving the purpose that I started off for it to, so I shall leave it till I find a reason to continue. Till then, keep growing - in love, in truth, in wisdom and all that's good.<br />
<br />
Lastly, sharing a song that really speaks to me right now :)<br />
站在大海边 才发现自己是多渺小<br />
登上最高山 才发现天有多高<br />
浩瀚的宇宙中 我真的微不足道<br />
像灰尘 消失也没人知道<br />
夜空的星星 仿佛在对着我微微笑<br />
轻声告诉我 一切他都看见了<br />
我所有挣扎 所有软弱和跌倒<br />
将成为主恩典的记号Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-27886993770761267492017-06-30T23:56:00.004+08:002017-06-30T23:56:41.149+08:00TBD.What exactly am I fighting for? Days like this I feel like calling it quits.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Pyrrhic victory: <i>a victory that is not worth winning because so much is lost to achieve it</i></blockquote>
For what it's worth, I think I'd rather end the war. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-84795278556961280582017-06-08T23:25:00.003+08:002017-06-08T23:25:53.268+08:00Vacation (blues?)Haven't been feeling great despite it being the long vacation. I have been way too lazy and caught up in thoughts. I think I need to write, hang out with friends, go for a swim or jog, read some books and sip tea. TBH, I can't wait for work to start~<br />
<br />
Also, I'm so in love with this song now <3 <3 the lyrics, the tune, the emotions (+ it's Coldplay)!! Ah!! I shall learn it on the piano!<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>oh they say people come, say people go</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>this particular diamond was extra special</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and though you might be gone, and the world may not know</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>still I see you, celestial</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>like a lion you ran, a goddess you rolled</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>when it feels like the end of my world</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>when I should but I can’t let you go?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but when I’m cold, cold</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>oh when I’m cold, cold</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I really can't wait for Europe. I've probably been the most diligent in checking out accommodations / transport options these days haha. I was wondering, this is such a super rare opportunity, what can I get from it? What do I <b>want </b>to get from it? And how can I serve God better from this trip? While I don't think that all forms of travelling are "life-changing" but I believe that if you really live the moments, you gain new lens to view the things around you. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-3814366559354392872017-03-02T21:19:00.002+08:002017-03-02T21:19:39.427+08:00Mid-SemWhew I haven't touched this blog in a while and... it feels a little foreign.<br />
<br />
My emotions have been in a flux these days and my tears are literally 像关不紧的水龙头 ._. I felt like crying over upsetting stuff, happy stuff, memories, etc.<br />
I was almost in tears thinking about CCS (because more schools signed up! And because I was touched at how Fio was putting in so much heart into it) and also when trying to Google Map the school I went to in China (miss, miss, miss this place so much. How can a place be of such importance to me when I've only been there for 2 weeks. I think my class has since graduated from the school and moved on to the city - hopefully)<br />
<br />
Right now I'm more at peace. Can't wait for what the second half of this semester, the vacation and the next semester holds for me. Thankful as always.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-79149902521510658382017-01-10T21:40:00.001+08:002017-01-10T21:40:48.565+08:00new year new sem new me...?Accidentally locked this blog up for way longer than I had wanted to.<br />
Will do a proper post when I have time (and settle my laptop issue)<br />
<br />
Cheers to a new semester! Already feeling the heat whewwwUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-56995584828822615392016-11-21T00:21:00.002+08:002016-11-27T23:41:59.279+08:00-feeling exceptionally weak these days; really conflicted.<br />
<b>好累。</b><br />
<br />
"go wash up your face, wipe off the dust on your shoulder and carry on the fight"<br />
That's right, press on. Be patient with yourself. Let's go.<br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
27 Nov<br />
面目全非。<br />
连自己都不认得自己的时候,该怎么办?<br />
又怎能期望别人了解你?怎能相信别人能帮你?<br />
心里真的犹如打翻五味瓶 - 好辛苦、好辛苦。<br />
不知何时会好。<br />
<br />
Find myself turning into the exact person I told myself that I won't become: selfish, emotional, unempathetic, overly sensitive. What went wrong?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-38794476106530282032016-11-11T22:42:00.001+08:002016-11-11T22:42:24.319+08:00a short reflectionThought it'll be good for a reflection as this semester is soon coming to an end and as I push through the last lap.<br />
<br />
I've put in more effort this semester academically, but I can't say this same for my social and extra-curricular life - *note for next semester. I've definitely been more involved in serving at church (thank God) - whether for my group, or for other events. I've taken modules that I didn't even know I could survive in. I have found a greater interest for things happening in the world - just a little more. I begin to enjoy lessons more and find myself questioning what I'm taught. I've started to note down little sparks and lofty ideas that cross my mind instead of letting them pass. I'm more forgetful that I thought myself to be. It's like my brain is restarting the engine that has been down for a long, long time. I'm going for SEP next year. I'll probably (must?) start considering internships too. But not without a lot of prayers because I really don't know what I can <b>and </b>want to do for the world as of now. I've learnt that expectations are a double-edged sword - it's made me so miserable the past few months, but without it, I will always settle for sub-standard work / mediocrity. I actually enjoy family time a bit more nowadays. I have learnt to <b>really </b>empathize - it's not easy. Many times I've let my emotions get the better of me - very uncharacteristic of me, honestly - but I've also learnt not to conceal my emotions all the time. I've cut myself some slack these few days - instead of sinking into another panic attack - and it seems to be working much better. "Be kind to yourself", "be patient with yourself" - never found the need and hence never quite understood it till this semester. I might have have struck a poor balance between social life and alone time this semester so *note for next semester definitely. But it has also shown me who are friends whom I treasure dearly. My relationship with God has its fair share of ups and downs but I know for a fact He's always there - we may fail but He has / does / will not fail us.<br />
<br />
Just letting things flow in my mind now and so it's a very unstructured post. With this, it's time to return to QR ^-^Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-68320014530100707522016-10-11T22:13:00.001+08:002016-10-11T22:13:24.973+08:00self-possessionI seem to have forgotten the therapeutic effect that Town Green has. Just the breeze, the sky, soft strums of the guitar (thank you random dude), occasional chatters, and the lively scene at Starbucks - it's almost picture perfect.<br />
<br />
The past few weeks have been rough, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Not because of anything that <i>happened </i>externally, but it was really a struggle within myself. I have <i>never</i> felt this way before. Anyone who knows me - you don't even need to be a close friend - will know that I'm quite the happy-go-lucky girl. It's not really a facade that I put up; work and academic matters just <i>don't</i> get to me. And before you think that it's because I'm an overachiever, I'm not. I'm not doing incredibly well, probably average, but it just doesn't seem to trouble me.<br />
<br />
So the past few weeks, I really hit rock bottom. I was <i>completely </i>unmotivated, I felt so horrible about myself, I felt like a letdown, like I was wasting my time and my parents' hard-earned money being in school. Yet I couldn't find it within me to pull everything back together again. Some days I felt like crying over minute issues, other days I felt nonchalant about everything going on and most days I really just wanted to huddle in bed and stay alone. Yet I felt so guilty <i>feeling </i>like that.<br />
<br />
I'm thankful for people who stayed around and accompanied me, but it was also then that I realised this was very much my own struggle to overcome. It was also when I realised that when I tell people <i>"it's all in the head"</i>, it might not be as helpful as I thought it to be. I <i>know </i>that it was all in my head, but I just <i>couldn't </i>fix it even though I tried. And trust me I tried so hard - I sat myself down at my desk, at ERC, at CLB, at the lounge, just to focus on my work, but I couldn't. I tried to bring myself to exercise, to pull myself away from my room, but nothing made me feel better. And that simply exacerbated my sense of guilt.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I was tired, perhaps I had too much piling on my plate - but these hypotheses didn't stand because I know that I have been in <i>worse </i>scenarios the past semesters and they didn't get to me like how these few weeks did.<br />
<br />
Things are improving, I'm started to feel more like myself again, by God's grace. It's been a terrible few weeks, scary to say the least. But through it all, I think I have learnt to better empathize with people and recognize that different people have different struggles, even if it's not something that I personally find difficult to handle. I have understood how one can still feel so lonely, helpless and afraid even when you have encouraging friends around. I'm just glad that I've (somehow) passed this stage and regained strength :)<br />
<br />
This is a really lengthy post but I thought it's good for me to pen my thoughts and emotions down.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-81411932892223919242016-09-03T23:26:00.001+08:002016-09-03T23:26:10.356+08:00It is well When you ask me "What's wrong?", I can't quite answer you because <i>I don't know what's wrong</i>. (reminds me of CFG!! Emotional literacy is low rn. I think it's high time to figure out what I'm feeling. )<br />
<br />
I know that it's a slippery slope and that I'm allowing myself to sink into this emotional black hole, yet I can't pull myself out. (CFG says: Emotional hijack.)<br />
<br />
-<br />
<br />
One of those days everything suddenly piles on you - work, commitments, family, etc. - and you feel like shouting "stop" and taking a break. At the same time, you feel like you have no right to do so because you 1. have a lot more to do and 2. don't feel like you have done very much - especially compared to others who seem to have so much more on their plate yet seem to cope fine. Then, all sorts of negative emotions start overwhelming you - anxiety, sense of inadequacy, frustration, fear, anger, impatience - and you feel guilty about it because 1. you should be much, much stronger than to let all these matters trouble you for so long, 2. there isn't a very compelling reason for you to be feeling so low (it's not like some disaster struck) and 3. you feel like a burden to others when you aren't your usual self. Then ironically, this guilt makes you feel even worse. And the cycle goes on.<br />
<br />
Yes, that's what I'm feeling.<br />
<br />
-<br />
<br />
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so weak. I feel like I need to quieten myself before Him and remind myself to gain strength from Him. 得力在于平静安稳.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-56033465439549231632016-08-07T16:14:00.001+08:002016-08-07T16:14:20.013+08:00AY2016/17 Sem 1Sometimes I don't ask questions because I fear that I'm not ready for the answer. Sometimes I already know the answer but I just can't bear to hear it said out loud. Yet, these questions are like time bombs - threatening to explode anytime.<br />
-<br />
Anyway, I can't believe that it's Year 2!!! (GASPS) It feels like <i>everything </i>and yet <i>nothing </i>has changed. I am (as usual) feeling so unprepared for the new academic year, with commitments starting to roll in and decisions waiting to be made. It's time to make a list / timetable so that I don't over-commit (or under-commit, if there is such a thing).<br />
<br />
I really hope that Week 0 is not a foreshadow of the term that is to come because I basically spent everyday rolling around and going out with friends, conveniently putting "study for QR" aside. Also, 8 am lectures await (sobs.)<br />
<br />
Here's to a more fulfilling and disciplined Year 2! Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-71217548039248622372016-06-26T19:45:00.000+08:002016-06-26T19:45:21.054+08:00Never knew that John Piper had videos online, perfect for a day that I'm too uninspired and weary: http://www.desiringgod.org/labs/do-you-want-god-more-than-anything<br />
<br />
Thankful for His words and brothers and sisters in Christ.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-20538556769858231372016-06-25T21:00:00.002+08:002016-06-25T22:04:16.301+08:00je voyageI initially wanted to type a long post but I couldn't find the words to condense my thoughts into a blog-able material. And so I shall let the photos do the talking ( + take the chance to post photos I might not upload anywhere else haha) and keep my thoughts in my diary~<br />
<br />
This trip to France was, I guess, different: I hardly knew people on the trip, and I spent another week with someone I could barely call a friend at first. (Overall a good decision to have a travel buddy though ^^) For the first time, I actually missed home - family, friends, fellowship (and food hehe). No, don't get me wrong - I thoroughly enjoyed the trip and am super thankful that it's a tick off my travel list. I loved walking down the streets, discovering every little detail, watching people, being part of the hype, sitting on the grass with the greatest worry being where my next meal shall be at. I do hope that I always have this privilege to be a carefree traveler. Yet, as always, the escapade made coming back to reality so difficult and I found myself struggling to re-adapt. I'm getting better at it though, and I'm feeling a little less post-vacation blues definitely.<br />
<br />
(Trying not to feature myself in the following photos ---)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAvchyphenhyphenGyd4_YMAvxqvvQ7POgIiM_iF1Gu4N_ektLG-tlAWZQi3W1X3cWx5uNL2Yj4pj1Jx8YkH4RDxMbdwVRgCx3GA6KGhSb1p1yng1imQuDrtk3H1JPjBwN2_kdGoxoJFG-MJqJUSe7I/s1600/photo_2016-06-25_20-37-58.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAvchyphenhyphenGyd4_YMAvxqvvQ7POgIiM_iF1Gu4N_ektLG-tlAWZQi3W1X3cWx5uNL2Yj4pj1Jx8YkH4RDxMbdwVRgCx3GA6KGhSb1p1yng1imQuDrtk3H1JPjBwN2_kdGoxoJFG-MJqJUSe7I/s320/photo_2016-06-25_20-37-58.jpg" width="236" /></a></div>
[Featuring fat Parisian pigeons and the pyramids at Le Louvre]<br />
The architecture and sights were really amazing. I've heard mixed reviews about the Eiffel Tower / L'arc de Triomphe / Louvre etc. but it was great to see them before my eyes :)<br />
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[Featuring me along with many other tourists LOL] I think this pretty up sums up Paris - as an incredibly old city (explains why the apartment I lived in had wooden spiral staircase that wasn't quite friendly for people with huge luggages) but one bursting with life and happenings. </div>
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Have I mentioned that I loveddddd the flowers in France??? I literally light up whenever I walk past a florist because they have such beautifulll bouquets and bright, fresh flowers!!<br />
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[Featuring Chateau de Versailles] This was one of the moments I wished I had a DSLR that could capture the beauty of this place. Despite the really irritating rain that can't make up its mind, thank God that weather was still generally good whenever we went sightseeing. Literally breathtaking being at the Royal Garden. The vastness of sky and greenery; I could spend a peaceful afternoon there.<br />
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[Featuring The Wedding at Cana, painting by Paolo Veronese, at Le Louvre] Museums were <i>everywhere </i>and this was the reason why I would ever want to be a student in the EU (free entry!!!) Amazing collection. If you realised, the people in this photo are not looking at the painting, because Mona Lisa was directly opposite this piece. However, I honestly saw nothing exceptional about Mona Lisa hmmm.<br />
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[Patisserie at Reims] Quoting Srishti, "You haven't stopped by a cake shop without snapping a photo!" But that's because the pastries are such beauties!!!<br />
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[Inside the Notre-Dame Cathedral at Reims] I loved the cathedrals in France and the peaceful atmosphere in every one of them (Dr Brantner would probably say something along the lines of how the space and unspoken rules induce certain kinds of interaction, which is true). Gave up shopping to spend a short 30 minutes in this cathedral and I regretted not going earlier.<br />
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There were many more memories - and of course as of every place, not everything is rosy. But I couldn't quite capture the darker, imperfect side of the city and that will therefore only remain in my memory.<br />
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Au revoir~ :) <br />
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-<br />
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Sidenote: This is a rather happy post and reflecting upon the trip does make me contented, but as mentioned, I'm still readjusting to normality and there are so many things that weigh down on me right now. It felt like once I returned, things piled up all of a sudden. Friends, family, my faith, work, camps etc.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-38942738223796145642016-05-26T23:02:00.001+08:002016-05-26T23:04:23.569+08:00Ever had one of those days you simply feel under the weather for no particular reason? (OK there <i>must</i> be a reason, but on other days it won't even seem valid.) Today's that day. Feeling mediocre, weary, jaded. Doubting decisions that you have made. Being irked by the smallest of remarks.<br />
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Chanced upon a friend's FB post, and similarly, I'm one who doesn't like to regret. In fact, I don't believe in it because I know that I would make the same decision if I were to be in the same circumstance again. Yet sometimes, I cannot help but regret when I keep making the same mistakes again and again.<br />
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Today's one of those days, I just want to sip coffee, perhaps pick a book and lie in bed, or sway along acoustic tunes, or pick up my newly-bought water brush pen and doodle a little.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-41566435307985484662016-05-20T22:14:00.001+08:002016-05-20T22:15:40.073+08:00-<i>"For thinking... it does not create values, it will not find out, once and for all, what "the good" is, and it does not confirm but rather dissolves accepted rules of conduct.. Its political and moral significance comes out only in those rare moments in history when... 'The best lack all conviction, while the worst / Are full of passionate intensity.'"</i> - Hannah Arendt<br />
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How much of your thoughts can you trust? Or the emotions that you feel? The judgments that you pass?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-21918793237897269702016-05-10T23:51:00.002+08:002016-05-11T00:13:11.476+08:00Summer breakIt's been a while!!! I'm finally done with Freshman year and am feeling pretty good - maybe not so much when results are out hahaha. I just finished translating a chapter for Yongqin and it's such a blessing to do so, for it reminds me of my faith and what I hold on to :) It's amazing what he is doing in HK :)<br />
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It seems like post-exams always follows with difficult decisions and dilemmas for me. I guess it's because I always do last-minute revision and hence put off other decisions. Oops. Also, decision-making isn't a forte of mine hahaha. (at the age of 20, it sometimes amazes me how many things I am uncertain of and how many decisions I cannot make independently. I feel like an old soul sometimes but I also feel very, very lost at other times) Ultimately, one has to learn to make decisions, take responsibility for them, and learn from mistakes, never to commit them again. For me, regrets only come when you know that you would have made a different decision were you back in the same situation but most of the time, this isn't the case.<br />
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Meanwhile, I think all I need is to come before Him, quieten myself, and place everything (including my very messy heart / mind (???)) in His hands.<br />
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Also, I think I enjoyed the freedom in Cinnamon too much that I find myself needing to adapt to life back at home. Well, it's not a (completely) bad thing because it also means that I'm kicking some bad habits that I used to have. I am learning to appreciate the little acts of love a lot more nowadays too. Patience, patience. Not just with my family, but also with everything else in life that doesn't seem to have an answer right now. Waiting is really difficult, particularly in this era whereby speed and efficiency is everything, and I wish I could get instant answers but I also know that answers that arrive after waiting will be sweeter.<br />
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GOOD NIGHT and to (self-rewarded) good food tomorrow ^^<br />
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I refuse to let one insensitive and rude remark ruin my day, and so here goes:<br />
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1. JJ Lin performed at Star Awards (AHHH!!! rare fangirl moment hehe, but I've missed watching his performances. He's just SO.GOOD. singing live!)<br />
2. I was arguably productive today<br />
3. I learnt to place my problem before God <i>first </i>instead of relying on my very limited knowledge to try to fix it.<br />
4. Despite everything, I had good moments with my family today (and I ate ma la guo with my dad - even though it really wasn't spicy at all D: I guess it's time to seek out better ma la guo!)<br />
5. Exam week is coming! Which also means it'll end soon! And I really can't wait because there are so many other things that I want to do during the vacation. (yes, plan. I will start planning.) I initially thought that I had loads of time but looking at my schedule which is filled with camps and the study trip, it seems like a packed vacation after all. Either way, I'm thankful for it :)<br />
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With this, good night :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-31960189443527181032016-04-16T23:58:00.001+08:002016-04-16T23:58:29.498+08:00Thoughts run wild.Emotions - such a constraint at times.<br />
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I once tweeted this "One day you'll realize that you're not as strong as you've always believed, or wished, yourself to be. And that scares you." (why exactly I said that back in 2013, I can't remember though) and somehow, it rings so true today / right now.<br />
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I feel that my procrastination has seeped into other aspects of life (apart from academic) and it's honestly not wise. It reminds me of the Ted video I watched a while back - <i>what will you do with life goals that don't have deadlines? Will you procrastinate indefinitely?</i><br />
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I think it's time to stop being an escapist and start being assertive. While I can say that the environment shapes who I am today (and I do truly believe in this), I guess ultimately, if I still have this voice in me, I am strong enough to change.<br />
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<i>Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7</i><br />
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Yes, pray; seek and you shall receive.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-3744679436712862502016-04-03T20:59:00.001+08:002016-04-03T20:59:16.515+08:00FamilyHad a quick read at my dear friend's blog yesterday (hi pig, yes you!) and am feeling quite happy :) Press on my dear, you are indeed very very precious.<br />
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Haven't been in the best of moods recently and sometimes it scares me because I feel like I'm becoming the exact person whom I've always said that I wouldn't be. Perhaps it's the stress / finals / lack of sleep / PMS / all of the above, but I've always believed that these shouldn't be <i>excuses </i>for one to be less than nice towards others.<br />
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I can't wait for the holidays. I truly need some time reading / cafe-hopping / people watching / hiding in the library / drawing / writing / jogging / rolling in bed (ok I do this a lot even during school term tbh) / playing piano (/ travelling?)<br />
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Anyway, thought I would share snippets of my family because I don't often talk about my parents and living in Cinnamon has made me appreciate time with them more (even though I find that with the luxury of having two "home"s, I tend to escape to either one when I face problems).<br />
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My mum. So yesterday, she asked "do you have a bit of time..?" sheepishly and I knew something was up. She wanted to me help her dye her hair (again). I would reluctant say yes every time, because professional hair services are really affordable nowadays. But you don't actually have much of a choice when she requests. Anyway, my point is: I was thinking, if my mum doesn't 认老 soon, I'll have to dye her hair even more frequently (and reluctantly haha) in the future. Then it struck me that she's getting old. I guess a reason why I don't recognize this fact as much as I should is exactly because she's always trying to look young and her petite built doesn't help either (I suppose humans are often very visual and forgetful). So, I am learning to better love her and treasure moments with her, whether good or bad.<br />
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My dad. My friends generally know that I'm closer to my dad. Through all these years, I <i>literally </i>might have died if he weren't around. Yesterday, he offered to fetch me to and fro Chew's birthday party (I really, really did tell him that I could go there by myself!!! But he probably thought that I'm too much of a klutz to do so x.x) Even when he dropped me off back home, I knew that it was another few hours of work before he would knock off. (Can't quite find words to express myself now) Basically, he has been my hero for the longest time ever and I can't imagine anyone else who will treat my as though I'm really a princess and I can't wait for the day when he doesn't have to work so hard anymore and I'm just very blessed.<br />
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A very rare and wordy post from me, and rather unedited too~ Back to essay now!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-12504610136014099242016-03-27T20:29:00.001+08:002016-03-27T20:29:25.360+08:00-<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8</i><br />
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Filled with mixed feelings today, but I think I have gotten some answers. I'm understanding why Socrates would say that thinking is not necessarily a productive process.<br />
Anyway, my first attempt at this doodling (can't even call it typography / calligraphy yet haha) so give chance plz.<br />
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A lot more things to settle, so little time, getting kinda tired, but gotta press on.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-81728694324230805972016-03-25T23:29:00.003+08:002016-03-25T23:34:27.879+08:00Good FridayWell rested day starting off at church at 8.30 a.m. (waking up at 7 a.m. was evidently too much for me ahaha, I wonder how I managed 6+ a.m. from primary school to JC) A wonderful, wonderful morning, and I was particularly happy because my parents joined me ^^<br />
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I was just listening to old songs (I mean old in <i>my </i>standards, like the 2007 kinda old, like the Jesse McCartney's Beautiful Soul / Just So You Know, Jason Mraz's Geek in the Pink / You and I Both kinda old) and letting Youtube run on its own. I was suddenly so overwhelmed with the bittersweet sensation of reminiscing about school days. A part of me misses those carefree days when hiding in the classroom before assembly / sneaking off to Coronation Plaza were the biggest mischief ever (guaikia96 hahaha) Nevertheless, I believe I have grown / learnt from past mistakes / become stronger through all the experiences. Everything happens for a reason :)<br />
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Time slips away so quietly and quickly that it surprises me. Ironically, it's even more necessary to <i>faire une pause </i>because it's easy to get caught up amidst this whirlwind. I'm learning to treasure this tiny bit of (relative more) carefree time I have and put my heart and mind into things that matter. Nobody has got time for negativity~ (and so apologies for the previous post/s)<br />
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Shall end with verses from Luke today:<br />
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When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, <i>“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” </i>And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. <br />
Luke 23:33-34<br />
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It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, <i>“Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” </i>When he had said this, he breathed his last.</div>
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Luke 23:44-46</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-51035897182927920482016-03-17T01:28:00.000+08:002016-03-17T01:28:04.817+08:001 a.m. thoughtsEDIT: Incoherent / meaningless / negative post ahead. Please spare yourself the trouble of reading if you are already in a bad mood.<br />
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It's 1 a.m., and I have been up past midnight for a few consecutive days. I should be sleeping, really. But I just couldn't get rid of some thoughts and I'm too lazy to write in my diary. So this might just be one of the rawer posts you'll find on this blog. (may delete this post soon though.)<br />
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Some days I get so tired of being nice. Of giving people the benefit of doubt. Of trying to make the world a better place. Of smiling when I'm tired. Today is one of those days. Maybe not the whole day, because it's hard (for me) to stay in a constant state of pessimism towards people. But just moments. Moments when people are so unappreciative / pragmatic / self-centred. Yet this bookmark tells me "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." (Apparently Plato said it, wowsss.) It's true, you don't know what people go through unless you step into their shoes. But you can't. (And my mind goes on and on, especially after taking Arnold's module, it's making me think more about my thinking - metacognition! Not sure if that's good though, I might have the tendency to overthink.) Yet some days, or some moments, I just feel like being selfish and saying "yea I'm part of the 'everyone' who's fighting a harder battle".<br />
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It is beyond me why our priorities change (for the worse) as we age (mature yes / no / not sure?). I was talking to Rachel (who always makes me feel like there is hope and that I'm not fighting the battle alone. And makes me feel really comfortable and at peace) and it's a common view we hold, that too many people are just so fixated on worthless things. That claim might be a bit too harsh, but what I mean is that, people are sacrificing important stuff for the less worthy things (at least in my opinion, which I firmly believe in). This reminds me of what Jim Elliot said: he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. While he was presumably referring to eternity when making that statement, I find it applicable to many aspects in life as well.<br />
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I actually feel better after this incoherent blabber. Good night :) Bilveer's readings can wait till tomorrow.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-43165518724327902182016-03-10T21:56:00.001+08:002016-03-10T22:01:15.465+08:00<i>Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me</i><br />
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Yet most of the time, words hurt so much more than anything else. I guess it's a lesson to 1. be kind with my words because they really, really can hurt and 2. to be stronger and not be affected by what others say - intentional or not. To think that I would have learnt to cope better after fighting the same problem for so many years but apparently I've not.<br />
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I've been feeling so tired these days but I ask <i>why </i>and I can't give myself a satisfactory answer. It's like, I don't even know what I'm busy with. When I look at people who are so involved in this and that, I don't think that I should be feeling this tired. But I am.<br />
<i>-</i><br />
<i>Let me know the struggle ends</i><br />
<i>That You can mend a heart</i><br />
<i>That's frail and torn</i><br />
<i>I wanna know a song can rise</i><br />
<i>From the ashes of a broken life</i><br />
<i>And all that's dead inside can be reborn</i><br />
Though <i>I'm worn</i><br />
<i>- </i><br />
<i>Direction, motivation, gratitude.</i><br />
<i>-</i><br />
Apologies for a very fragmented post and, good night :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913493418689466027.post-62859967788211262722016-03-07T21:21:00.000+08:002016-03-07T21:45:37.135+08:00a brief respiteFinally found time for a breather and reflection. The past week was pretty insane and I'm just so so glad that it's over. (A reminder to <i>stop procrastinating !!!</i>) I find it, however, so much easier to handle all this work than to handle interpersonal relationships. Ultimately, I guess I just need to be emotionally strong enough for whatever life throws at me. And I do think that I've grown in that aspect.<br />
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Reminders for myself:<br />
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<i>Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Philippians 4:8</i><br />
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<i>...to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy towards all people. Titus 3:2</i><br />
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--<br />
Happy moments today:<br />
1. The sunset was amazinggg. Caught this shot a few weeks back, but today's sunset was just breathtaking :) I find myself looking at the sky a lot recently. My mum was complaining "干嘛走路不看路" hahaha. The sky is such a...tangible reminder that there is something far greater than everything that I'm going through now.<br />
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2. Zootopia tomorrow! I'm not so much excited about the movie (ok fine I am!!!) but more so about the company. I keep feeling like I've been underappreciative of this bunch, but they matter so, so much.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0