1 a.m. thoughts

EDIT: Incoherent / meaningless / negative post ahead. Please spare yourself the trouble of reading if you are already in a bad mood.
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It's 1 a.m., and I have been up past midnight for a few consecutive days. I should be sleeping, really. But I just couldn't get rid of some thoughts and I'm too lazy to write in my diary. So this might just be one of the rawer posts you'll find on this blog. (may delete this post soon though.)

Some days I get so tired of being nice. Of giving people the benefit of doubt. Of trying to make the world a better place. Of smiling when I'm tired. Today is one of those days. Maybe not the whole day, because it's hard (for me) to stay in a constant state of pessimism towards people. But just moments. Moments when people are so unappreciative / pragmatic / self-centred. Yet this bookmark tells me "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." (Apparently Plato said it, wowsss.) It's true, you don't know what people go through unless you step into their shoes. But you can't. (And my mind goes on and on, especially after taking Arnold's module, it's making me think more about my thinking - metacognition! Not sure if that's good though, I might have the tendency to overthink.) Yet some days, or some moments, I just feel like being selfish and saying "yea I'm part of the 'everyone' who's fighting a harder battle".

It is beyond me why our priorities change (for the worse) as we age (mature yes / no / not sure?). I was talking to Rachel (who always makes me feel like there is hope and that I'm not fighting the battle alone. And makes me feel really comfortable and at peace) and it's a common view we hold, that too many people are just so fixated on worthless things. That claim might be a bit too harsh, but what I mean is that, people are sacrificing important stuff for the less worthy things (at least in my opinion, which I firmly believe in). This reminds me of what Jim Elliot said: he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. While he was presumably referring to eternity when making that statement, I find it applicable to many aspects in life as well.

I actually feel better after this incoherent blabber. Good night :) Bilveer's readings can wait till tomorrow.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

Yet most of the time, words hurt so much more than anything else. I guess it's a lesson to 1. be kind with my words because they really, really can hurt and 2. to be stronger and not be affected by what others say - intentional or not. To think that I would have learnt to cope better after fighting the same problem for so many years but apparently I've not.

I've been feeling so tired these days but I ask why and I can't give myself a satisfactory answer. It's like, I don't even know what I'm busy with. When I look at people who are so involved in this and that, I don't think that I should be feeling this tired. But I am.
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Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Though I'm worn
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Direction, motivation, gratitude.
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Apologies for a very fragmented post and, good night :)

a brief respite

Finally found time for a breather and reflection. The past week was pretty insane and I'm just so so glad that it's over. (A reminder to stop procrastinating !!!) I find it, however, so much easier to handle all this work than to handle interpersonal relationships. Ultimately, I guess I just need to be emotionally strong enough for whatever life throws at me. And I do think that I've grown in that aspect.

Reminders for myself:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.    Philippians 4:8

...to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy towards all people. Titus 3:2

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Happy moments today:
1. The sunset was amazinggg. Caught this shot a few weeks back, but today's sunset was just breathtaking :) I find myself looking at the sky a lot recently. My mum was complaining "干嘛走路不看路" hahaha. The sky is such a...tangible reminder that there is something far greater than everything that I'm going through now.

2. Zootopia tomorrow! I'm not so much excited about the movie (ok fine I am!!!) but more so about the company. I keep feeling like I've been underappreciative of this bunch, but they matter so, so much.

I chanced upon this article "Don't Keep Saying Yes: Why you need to stop being so nice" and decided to take a look at it because so many people have been telling me the same thing. (but you see, I generally doubt articles of this "self-help" genre because many of them are based on very pragmatic / self-serving grounds) While unsurprisingly, I disagree with the article to a large extent, a small part of it speaks to me.

"Be it in my career or my relationships, I am a perpetual people pleaser, and always have been. I am so anxious to be liked that I will do or say almost anything to seek approval and avoid confrontation."

This is very true for me. I would often go all out to avoid conflicts. I remain silent even if it is evidently the wrong thing to do, or laugh off comments that I find completely inappropriate, or say "yes" to things when I actually mean a thousand "no"s in my head. I guess this has a lot to do with my family background / upbringing - an environment that deprecates differing opinions. It'll probably take a while more before I grow out of this habit.

"... the next time I am asked to do something, I should pause and ask myself if I have the time, and if I will feel upset if I do it – either at myself, or the person asking. Dr Boag gives me another pep talk, ‘Be realistic about what you can achieve, learn to say no and prioritise what’s important. Remind yourself of what you have to offer, so you’re not reliant on others for praise."
Well, not too sure if this advice will work for me but I guess the least I could do is to stand by my principles and learn to speak up for what I believe in. (Oh, and being nice is not something I will give up on - so the aim / title of the post itself goes against my principle)

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Update: it's Valentine's Day tomorrow! I just had a sudden realisation that today's sharing at fellowship might have come because of V Day haha. Today's sharing wasn't exactly enlightening because they were messages that I've heard before, but it served as a reminder for me all the same - in what I am seeking in my other half, how I should treat this issue of bgr etc. Anyway, I'm spending it single and unavailable this year, and happily so! :) It's been a learning journey from my past relationships and I'm slowly able to say and trust that "God, I'll leave all this in Your hands because You have an awesome plan for me".

le changement c'est maintenant

“The flower bloomed and faded. The sun rose and sank. The lover loved and went. And what the poets said in rhyme, the young translated into practice.” Virginia Woolf

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If there is anything that I've learnt the past few weeks, it is the transience of life and everything that it contains: relationships, people, situations. Sometimes I find it incredibly hard to catch up with all the changes that take place. It reminds me to not place hope in worldly things because all these will eventually pass. (sounds emo, but really I'm not)

Nevertheless, I'm really thankful for the constants in my life. University has made me appreciate these sisters, brothers and the close friends I've had for many many years. I realise I've known some friends for nearly half my life and that we've watched each other grow, make mistakes and stand back up again. 

I'm constantly reminding myself of my resolution to be an X even though the world is full of Y ( this is something I witness more frequently than ever in university and I'm admittedly beginning to stop looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses. It's not a bad thing, really. It just means that I am recognizing reality, but it does not mean that I will succumb to it). Sometimes I lose hope and wonder if all this is worth my effort, if I'll one day give up, but this is also a humbling experience all in all. It has been tough but I'll press on because I have an endless stream of love and joy in Him :) 

Sidenote. It's mid-week already! Can't wait for CNY. I'm recovering slowly, and I've been catching up with so many old friends. Simple joys in life keep me going :)

20

I know, I know... birthdays are but a social construct. Nevertheless, I gladly accept this social construct as it is ahaha.

Blessed beyond words this birthday. I honestly didn't expect much of a celebration because everyone is so busy everywhere, literally everywhere. Then everyone came and surprised me (': (and I love surprises!) And I received so many cards! (I love cards!) And had so many cakes! (I super love cakes too!) And I met friends whom I haven't seen for really, really long (Who doesn't love the feeling of catching up with old friends).

This post is revealing my bimbotic / unthinking side, but well, what's a personal blog for if it's not personal, right?

I think I've come to a point in life (note: I'm not using age as a benchmark here) whereby I know who are friends I want to and can keep for life - and many of them appear in the photos above.

Thankful for friendships :) 

Off to work (amidst frequent coughing fits sigh) ~~~

Resolutions

So this year, I have decided to draw up a beautifully decorated "2016 Resolutions" and it's hanging in my room. I have to say that the effort put into making it has made me more determined in actually sticking to my resolutions.

Yet 16 days into 2016, I find myself constantly being challenged - which, honestly, isn't surprising. They are resolutions for a reason: because I felt that these are areas which were inadequate from 2015. Naturally, they are challenges to me and rooms for improvement. Nevertheless, I think it's a commendable effort on my part~ (if self-praise is any form of praise at all HAHA)


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Anyway, a short quote from The Goldfinch (I haven't been this engrossed in a book for a long, long time - woes of hyperconnectivity~) 

"Often I saw interesting-looking people on the street and thought about them restlessly for days, imagining their lives, making up stories about them on the subway or the crosstown bus... For years, I'd turned those strangers over in my mind, wondering who they were and what their lives were like, and I knew I would go home and wonder about this girl and her grandfather the same way." 

This is me! I mean, I don't think I will ponder for years, but I do enjoy people-watching and observing others' actions / decisions / words / expressions. Sometimes when I grow silent in a crowd, I'm really just watching people (either that or I'm stoning hahaha, which is equally possible) and considering in my mind the whats and whys - especially the whys.


Good night world! Life has been good thus far~ :)