struggle

Just one incident and it could get me all trembling. My brain firing all over the place, "what do I do now?" "Is it my fault?" "Is it happening all over again?" "Did nothing get better?" "Is she feeling alright?" "Will she do something stupid?" Questions, doubts, fear, palpitating heart.

Not forgetting the questions that follow after calming down, "Why me? Why this family?" "Why is it happening again?" "Is my entire life going to be defined by this?"

---

Then I took a deep breath, and things that I've learnt in class start coming back to me. (I'm ever so thankful for having taken this Social Work module)

- "It is not my fault, it is not my fault." If need be, repeat it a few more times till it gets into your head, that everything happening right now is NOT your fault. This darkness, this mess, is not your fault. You couldn't have done anything better to prevent it; nothing.

- "I deserve a hug" Self love is important; be kind to others but also don't forget to be kind to yourself. If you can't even care for yourself, you aren't going to be well enough to care for others.

- "I live my own life" You are not your parent; you don't have to live in their shadow and that constant fear. Breathe, you are doing great.

And of course from my greatest source of strength, the One who doesn't fail, the One who loves from day 1 till eternity

- “He gives and He takes away" The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - you will only become stronger, more resilient, more emphatic, more understanding, and for all of that goodness, be thankful.

Blessed be Your name

New year new me old blogskin!!!

I am so annoyed right now!! Blogger said that I have to "update theme" - something something unsupported - and so I did. And now, take a look at my boring blog!!! Also, the HTML (or is it CSS? What is the difference anyway!!!) code is even more complicated than that when I used an external blogskin... ANNOYED! I will get to learning some basic coding and hopefully handle this disaster that is my ugly blog. (Alternatively, I won't reject help if it's free haha)

In any case, I didn't actually come here to rant. It's just that after a HTHT with HT (hahaha I'm so funny), she reminded me of this blog which I've thrown at the back of my mind throughout my SEP. It was only when I came here to take a quick read a few days back that I realised how... emo I actually sounded for the past few years. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived. Thank God for His comfort and peace when I needed them. So I thought it's good to sort of clear up the air. As I've told many people who asked me "how was SEP?", it was genuinely one of the best five months of my life. Cliche I know, but just hold on a little while I explain. Being abroad for five months allowed me breathing space, a lot of me time to reflect upon life and question some of my deep-rooted fears. Having been in this extremely restrictive, sterile, protected and competitive (I'm talking about myself, not trying to generalise Singaporeans here) environment for so many years, I didn't even realise how much self-defeating thoughts I held, how awfully unhappy I have been. I didn't even realise it myself, but apparently there were hints that HT caught (you my fave <3) So much so that I really didn't want to come back to SG because there are just too many things that weigh me down here. I know it's an escapist mentality but I just couldn't find the courage to return here. BUT, miraculously, I feel so much more refreshed and motivated right now! It's amazing. I feel like for once, I'm starting to live and not merely survive. And truth be told, I haven't felt this way since secondary school. I guess I managed to turn those escapist thoughts into a positive force instead!

So, this year I aim to NOT let fear determine my decisions (tough stuff I know, but I'll make a conscious effort to inspect my thoughts and ensure that it isn't fear leading me - introspection / metacognition?). I also aim to reconnect - with friends, family and myself. Cheers! :)

(not sure when I'll be back blogging again but at least you get this update and know that I'm doing much better than before!)

growth / grace

"grow the f up"
As hurtful as it sounds, it got me thinking.
Growing up.
What does that entail? So that "we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves"
What's stopping me? I think everyone has different weaknesses and difficulties, which also means finding different means to remove any obstacle stopping you.
What is the solution? I can't say for sure for everyone but I know that I am taking steps to solving it. Mini steps, one at a time; crawling, climbing; surely I'll make it there.

Not really sure if this blog is serving the purpose that I started off for it to, so I shall leave it till I find a reason to continue. Till then, keep growing - in love, in truth, in wisdom and all that's good.

Lastly, sharing a song that really speaks to me right now :)
站在大海边 才发现自己是多渺小
登上最高山 才发现天有多高
浩瀚的宇宙中 我真的微不足道
像灰尘 消失也没人知道
夜空的星星 仿佛在对着我微微笑
轻声告诉我 一切他都看见了
我所有挣扎 所有软弱和跌倒
将成为主恩典的记号

TBD.

What exactly am I fighting for? Days like this I feel like calling it quits.

Pyrrhic victory: a victory that is not worth winning because so much is lost to achieve it

For what it's worth, I think I'd rather end the war.

Vacation (blues?)

Haven't been feeling great despite it being the long vacation. I have been way too lazy and caught up in thoughts. I think I need to write, hang out with friends, go for a swim or jog, read some books and sip tea. TBH, I can't wait for work to start~

Also, I'm so in love with this song now <3 <3 the lyrics, the tune, the emotions (+ it's Coldplay)!! Ah!! I shall learn it on the piano!

oh they say people come, say people go

this particular diamond was extra special

and though you might be gone, and the world may not know

still I see you, celestial

like a lion you ran,  a goddess you rolled

like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple

so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow

when it feels like the end of my world

when I should but I can’t let you go?

but when I’m cold, cold

oh when I’m cold, cold

there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow

there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow

I really can't wait for Europe. I've probably been the most diligent in checking out accommodations / transport options these days haha. I was wondering, this is such a super rare opportunity, what can I get from it? What do I want to get from it? And how can I serve God better from this trip? While I don't think that all forms of travelling are "life-changing" but I believe that if you really live the moments, you gain new lens to view the things around you. 

Mid-Sem

Whew I haven't touched this blog in a while and... it feels a little foreign.

My emotions have been in a flux these days and my tears are literally 像关不紧的水龙头 ._. I felt like crying over upsetting stuff, happy stuff, memories, etc.
I was almost in tears thinking about CCS (because more schools signed up! And because I was touched at how Fio was putting in so much heart into it) and also when trying to Google Map the school I went to in China (miss, miss, miss this place so much. How can a place be of such importance to me when I've only been there for 2 weeks. I think my class has since graduated from the school and moved on to the city - hopefully)

Right now I'm more at peace. Can't wait for what the second half of this semester, the vacation and the next semester holds for me. Thankful as always.

new year new sem new me...?

Accidentally locked this blog up for way longer than I had wanted to.
Will do a proper post when I have time (and settle my laptop issue)

Cheers to a new semester! Already feeling the heat whewww